Getting back into dating in midlife can feel daunting. The most frequent concerns I hear are:
- Scammers, liars, cheaters oh my!
- I just don’t look or feel my best
- I just don’t know how to do it
I feel you! And I am here for you. It’s my business to make sure women over 50 feel great about getting back on the dating scene.
My most basic goal is to help you find your suitable companion with whom to share life’s adventures. But secondarily, I want the process to be easy and fun for you.
If you go in with the wrong mindset or without the right strategy and tools, you are very likely going to get exhausted and repeatedly disappointed.
Let’s start with mindset
“If you exist, they exist.”
-Laurie Gerber
Too many people tell me there is “nobody for them.” How absurd! And statistically inaccurate!
Around 60 million people over 50 are single!
(https://www.statista.com/statistics/241488/population-of-the-us-by-sex-and-age/)
After 20 years in the love coaching business, I can tell you, YOU are not as unique (or unlucky) as you imagine. There is a good reason you haven’t found your soulmate yet and it is likely not what you think it is!
DO learn to believe in love again.
If you don’t believe in love, or you don’t believe it can happen for you, you’ll prove yourself right. You are that powerful!
When you believe something to be true, you will prove it because of a tricky thing called “unconscious bias”, by selectively noticing evidence that matches your (bad) theory and ruling out evidence to the contrary.
No matter how you’ve been hurt before or whatever might still be unresolved–you CAN believe in love again, if you do the right work.
DO admit that you want to find love and tell the people around you
It’s not that you need a partner, you don’t. You’ve proven that. But, if you WANT one, you are going to have to get vulnerable and admit it!
Get suspicious if you haven’t told your community (friends + family) that you are looking. They know you best, couldn’t they be helpful? And if you asked them once for set-ups, now is the time to ask them AGAIN!
DO upgrade your self-care
You need the right energy to “date like you mean it.”
Looking and feeling well makes you attractive.
Your revitalization needs to include all areas of self-care, and here are some people often forget:
-Diet
-Sleep
-Hydration
-Hormone balance
-Vices–yup, getting those under control is crucial!
-Exercise/Movement
-Skin and Haircare
-Makeup!!
-Asking for help when you need it.
This might seem like a long list, but just remember, you deserve all of this whether you are dating or not. This should be the minimum acceptable for “dating yourself.” The cliche that you are teaching others how to treat you by how you treat yourself is true. Now is the perfect time to upgrade everything you do for your health, vitality and beauty.
When you feel beautiful and energized you will project a confidence that makes dating way easier and more fun!
DO toughen your skin for the brave new world
Yes, things have changed!
Two things in particular are very different now if you haven’t been on the dating scene in decades: you’ll be dating digitally now, and, because of that, you will have access to A LOT more prospects.
Unfortunately, according to a phenomena called the “tyranny of choice,” the more choice you have, the less happy you are. Because millions of potential mates are at your fingertips with apps, people are alway looking for the next, better, thing.
The amount of action you have to take to find your person now is just MORE (and different) than it used to be. Many people really met their sweetheart in high school or college– but please note that the majority of those unions did NOT work out!
All this just means you need better tactical and mindset strategies to protect your heart.
DON’T knock online dating til you’ve tried it
Imagine you need the perfect new outfit for a special event. Sure, you might go into a friend’s closet and find something “just right”–especially if the friend is the same size, has the same taste and shares generously. But you’d be crazy not to also try a shopping mall or department store, where sure there’d be a lot of non-matches to sort through but where you could be certain there would definitely be some suitable choices for you.
It’s not online vs “IRL” (in real life.) It’s both.
DON’T think it’s too late
My 60-something client TK had done every kind of personal growth work, except for one last thing: resolving her past traumas. After going through my process, she finally had what I call “the click”, and started to believe in love again. 2 weeks after the shift, she met Greg, and they fell deeply in love almost right away. When we started, she couldn’t believe a man like him even existed!
Great men exist, but you have to be ready to meet them–physically and emotionally.
DON’T get spooked by the messiness of it all
I am not saying dating in midlife is easy, but nothing worth doing is. The facts: People lie online (and in real life), are usually dating a lot of people at once (and sometimes will ghost), and meeting new people takes gusto, making dating challenging for all but the most extroverted and thick-skinned types.
Try not to be offended that people lie. When interviewed, they always say “they just wanted a chance to show all aspects of themselves.” The hack that circumvents this pitfall is a simple video chat before meeting someone you met online. You can usually find out the truth about their height, weight, age, living, and employment situation easily this way. Insist on it.
It’s your job to avoid “dud dates!”
Part of dating effectively is like learning guitar; it will hurt until you develop calluses. If you are doing it “right” occasionally someone will get hurt, and sometimes it will be you. Forcing yourself (and them) to assess and decide in the first few dates if the match is good, helps both parties take the ending less personally. Learn more about my 3-date strategy here.
Dating effectively takes work, yet it’s an honest and worthwhile journey. It’s just that you haven’t been trained for it.
Don’t go retro
Inequality, giving too much, bad communication, co-dependence–been there, done that!
You’ve learned a lot from past mistakes. Here’s your chance to get loud and proud about that and cease to repeat those same mistakes EVER AGAIN!
It’s no longer the norm for a woman to sacrifice herself for a man. You don’t need to do it to have a baby or financial security. You don’t even need a man. This changes everything about dating and we all need to “catch up!”
It’s okay in the modern era to expect to find a person who cheers on your dreams, listens to you, looks out for you, and knows how to resolve conflicts in a healthy way. A new dawn has broken! Seize the day!
Don’t you dare say there is nobody out there for you
There are literally millions of people out there, also looking for something real. And new people are coming on the market through choice, divorce and death, literally every minute. Think about that, literally every moment of the day new people are becoming available and ready to find THEIR suitable companion.
There is NO lack!
My dears, your excuses are looking flimsier and flimsier next to the delicious possibility and opportunity of true companionship. Maybe you’re just scared?
For more encouragement, check out Laurie’s free Webinar, “3 Secrets to Finding and Maintaining Healthy Love” here.
By Laurie Gerber
Founder, Laurie Gerber Coaching, Inc.
Laurie Gerber is one of the most engaging and effective life coaches and presenters in the country. After holding several positions at Handel Group® over the last 20 years, including President of HG Life, Laurie is currently licensing The Handel Method® and running Laurie Gerber Coaching, Inc. focusing on LOVE coaching. Laurie has appeared on the Today Show, Dr, Phil, MTV and A & E and been the resident love expert at Match, Zoosk, Jdate, and many more. She has been presenting to and coaching individuals, couples, and groups, with a wide range of partners including: the dating sites above, General Assembly, She Tribe, BeSocialChange, IvyConnect, Ellevate, and many more. She has appeared on television shows, podcasts, radio shows, and all over the internet. Check out “The Secret-Free Diet”, her TedX talk on the power of truth telling.When not working from her NYC townhouse, she’s meditating, jogging, or attempting to get cuddles from her 10, 20 and 22-year old kids and husband of 26 years.
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