Social anxiety is common, but potentially devastating. 

It can cause introverts like me to struggle making friends and attending events. Can you relate? Couple that with living in a foreign country (I live in Ecuador) and you have a recipe for potential isolation and sadness. Maybe. 

How can you avoid these pitfalls without copious amounts of Rocky-Road ice cream, medium to dark chocolate bars (with sea salt) and Tuscan red wine? 

Here in Ecuador, and in any foreign country, there is the added complexity of a language barrier, cultural differences, and the desire to hide within your own familiar cultural habits. I see it a lot. Single older women relocate abroad for a lower cost of living, calmer lifestyle, and drinkable tap water, and then rarely step out of their comfort zone. I understand. 

Having said that, living within our emotional, cultural, and societal crate has its limitations and none of them are insurmountable. As a devoted hermit, I can honestly say I face all these issues on a daily basis, and have some hopefully encouraging suggestions for making friends in any environment. 

One Foot, Then the Other

In all honesty, the first five to six months here in Ecuador I barely showed my face. Burnt out from single parenthood, overwork, and constantly pushing myself made me crawl into a cave and collapse. Then came the moment when I peeked out and saw that the world looked interesting and began the “I need a few friends” journey. 

Avoid the Rash

Because meeting in groups gives me a rash, I started with the all important Facebook. In this city, and in any location, you can find a Facebook group that meets you where you are at. I live in Cuenca, Ecuador, so I did a search for this town and up came several viable options. I posted something like, “I’m an introvert and I am looking for friends”, and darn if several people didn’t reply! 

I met one woman who brought a friend and both are still my friends to this day. One of the ladies, whom I will call Linda, is a connector. You know these types of people. They live to connect people, can chat for hours about anything, and are always planning events. The extrovert/connectors of the world are the best people to make friends with, because of one important reason: 

THEY WILL HOOK YOU UP! 

Find one connector, and you are off to the races, socially speaking. This takes the stress out of, “how many people do I have to meet in order to make friends” problem, because the connector will point you in the right direction. A good place to start is with common interests. 

Interests Rule the Day

Linda and I have almost nothing in common. I like to read, go to museums, be outside running/biking/walking/staring at the river, and she is nearly always with people and can’t imagine why introverts struggle to make friends! Having said that, she knew everybody. (And I mean everybody.) Through her, I went to an art show and met several other women who were art lovers and we went for coffee. The gathering was small enough not to freak me out, and the topic was interesting so there you have it. 

These women are still my friends. 

As you may know, I am a content creator and a writer. My audience is women over 50, and I need models on an ongoing basis. I am an eccentric and kooky person with an odd skill set that many find interesting. Because of this, I put out a notice in the local Gringo Post, a daily newsletter where people can sell, buy, or promote activities and events. Do you have something like this in your area? I posted that I needed models, and WOW! The response was epic. 

One at a Time

The good news is, I only work with one person at a time, so I could control the when and where of the interactions, as well as providing something that is both fun and inspiring. I don’t know if you find this, but most people who want to be friends I don’t necessarily want to hang out with, so I am always navigating the balancing act of being social and saying “I’m not available”. As an overgiver who feels obligated to others too fast, this balance is at times illusive. Practicing how to say “no”, as well as to say “yes” in the right circumstances has relieved my anxiety substantially. 

Don’t Forget the Chocolate

Sometimes you just need to stay home and eat chocolate. My favorite reclusive moments are with a little rum and ice, and a 70% dark chocolate bar. I know, sugar overload, but it’s delicious (chocolate is one of the main exports in Ecuador and is unbelievably delicious) and warms my soul. Many of the wonderful women I have met here love Ecuadorian chocolate too, which led to a fun trip to a locally run chocolate operation. I’ve also toured a rum factory and tried five different types of rum at various price points. I now know why some rum costs $150 and some $8! 

If you live in an area where you may not have these sorts of opportunities, I encourage you to give in a way that fills up your proverbial tank. For example, my mom is in this situation, and decided to try swimming. My sister is a physical education teacher at a middle school, so you can imagine her glee when mom set out to do something fitness oriented. Mom found a friend with a similar interest, and now they swim several times a week and then go out for coffee. 

What are you good at? What floats your boat? How can you marshall that interest to connect with others? I find that most women are a beacon of knowledge and talents that they haven’t tapped into, and by traversing that road, they find new fulfilling ways to strengthen their communities and selves.