Allergic to Calm

Is chaos mainly an external phenomenon? I certainly thought so. I can blame my unstable mother, a world bent on motivating the fear driven consumer inside of me, the constant war machine and the us vs them mentality of our western culture, or maybe I can just blame violent movies where actors are in constant crisis for which only Superman has the way out. Even religion drives fear; fear of punishment, banishment, poverty, and death (or ill health, which could be far worst.) No matter how you crack the chaos egg, it’s far easier to say it’s outside of ourselves. It allows us, or maybe just me, to remain an emotional invalid–yanked here and there by what’s gonna happen next.

Fear and What’s Gonna Happen Next

And it did . . .happen next, that is. About eight months ago I moved to Ecuador. It has long been my dream and determined goal to live abroad again and have an online business. Previously, I’ve lived in Italy, France, London, Sydney, Singapore, and the US, so that makes Ecuador my seventh country. I learned passable French, and now speak not so passable Spanish but I’m working on it. I love it here. Wait, no, that’s an understatement. I adore it here. If you’re into Astro-cartography, it’s on my Venus line, which means men are chasing me and I can’t be bothered because I’m too busy being massively successful in my work. That being said, no one accounted for an economic recession and my online store grounding to a near halt. What was meant to be my income has puttered out like too many chocolates on a hot summer’s night.

A Call for Help

As a professional worrier with a chaotic childhood in a trailer park, money is a source of near constant fretting and images of failure and living off of beans. I can’t eat beans. Because of the sudden crisis, I called on friend and associate, Jean Slatter. Jean is an expert douser or pendulum master. If you have never sampled using a pendulum, it’s a craft worth exploring. It doesn’t take any real abilities, and is a method to hear what your higher self is telling you in a way like no other. For more information, please visit Jean at YouTube or her website.

Our session lasted an hour and changed my life. There have been a few emotional clearings that have had as big an impact as this one, but this stands out in its delirious transformation of my state of being. For example, in one clearing, I went home and promptly barfed three times in the toilet while my young children looked on. I remember I missed my step-mothers birthday party because I was laying on the bathroom floor. In another clearing, an angel appeared and told me to stop with the cognizant dissonance, a warning that I heeded. I think I ate a hamburger after that one. Then there is my session with Jean.

Allergy to Calm

Using the pendulum, she worked out that I was allergic to calm. It wasn’t a thought-based allergy; it was a DNA allergy. In other words, no matter what I did, I had a visceral reaction to anything that triggered my fears. I could therefore meditate, use affirmations, chant, stand on my head, etc. but I would still be living out an internalized terror instilled in me from birth. It always frustrated me that I couldn’t stop the worry cycle. And I tried. I tried really, really hard.

Jean’s phrase for me is it is safe to be calm. When she gave me the phrase, the thought that spate through my mind was, I’m not allowed to be calm. That internal voice had been running the show for far too long. After we finished, I developed flu like symptoms, epic diarrhea, and gut pain. Usually when you have strong physical symptoms like this it means you have hit the nail on the head. My body made a fast exit of all that crap (literally) holding me back. Now, a week and a half later, I am so calm it’s eerie. My financial status doesn’t bother me; it’s more of a curiosity than a crisis. And I don’t feel like being my normal work-a-holic self. There is no fear pounding me into a frenzy, and I really just want to sip tea and read a book. What I had thought was my personality, turned out to be my greatest dysfunction. Now that it is gone, I’m wondering what matters.

Life Without Worry

If you could be rid of your allergy to fear, what would you chose to do? How would you live? What would your values be? What would be the WHY in your life? My WHY in moving to Ecuador was freedom. Freedom from the madness of the US, from being a slave to a film studio where I worked as a makeup artist, from having anyone else control my schedule, and from the hard-driving consumerist lifestyle I had become accustomed to. The only problem of course was that I brought the chaos with me, and now that it’s gone, what do I do?

If you are familiar with the Runes, there is one that is blank. Blank is the end, and blank is the beginning. It means you are in touch with creating your own future and are not at the mercy of past behaviors. May your Rune be blank, and your heart full, while you make your own freedom, your own story. Thank you, Jean.