As I look out of my bedroom window over the orange and brown tiled roof of my landlady’s house, the tiles look like they are covered in snow. But they can’t be; its 55 degrees and the sun is setting over Cuenca, Ecuador. Tomorrow I leave. I don’t want to leave, mind you, it’s just that my dad’s dementia has taken a turn for the worst as has his ever-increasing blindness. My mom is exhausted in her roll of caretaker, and my sister is frustrated at a life lived dashing between responsibilities. I came to Ecuador to rest, maybe even to run away. But duty calls.
Duty vs Self
Not that my dad is a duty-on the contrary, I adore him. He has been my greatest supporter and non-judgmental advice giver, as has my step-mom. They are from the World War 2 generation that has never stopped fighting or even hint at expressing a need. Even after many sleepless nights as dad tosses between realities, Sherry (my step-mom) refuses to ask for help. . .she doesn’t want to bother us. We want to be bothered, but we live in the haze of her wanting to make everything beautiful and good. It is such a gift she has; to bring light and laughter to every situation, but this is a time when the light has dimmed.
How’s dad? Oh, he’s fine, Suzy. A little topsy-turvy today but everything is good, don’t worry. It’s a misnomer, and I should worry. In fact, I should’ve stepped in long ago, but I didn’t know dads true condition. (Deep sigh). As I pack my bags after a year spent in the incredible city of Cuenca, I marvel at how much this tranquil and traditional culture has comforted my tired soul. When my girls left for college, all I could think about was how much I wanted to be left alone. It was my mantra and prevailing desire. As a single mom with full custody of both daughters for 17 years (they are 1.5 years apart) life felt like a long, delicious, full-on marathon. Now that they are both in college, I longed to stare out a window with nothing to do.
Discard the Inessential and Sit
Fast forward one year, and I stare out my window at South American roof tiles. Spanning the entire wall, my window looks out over the beloved, beautiful city and witnesses each sunset. I can’t tell you how many invitations I have turned down just to sit here and look out this glorious window at the soft sunsets and quiet hub of the community. My break from burdens wasn’t the usual band-aid of a vacation, or an early night’s sleep. Rather it was a deliberate removal of anything and everything in my life. Along with giving away all my possessions in Colorado, I came here with three suitcases, and I will leave with as many. It was the grace of one year in peace. With an online business, I was able to work from home, film content, and sleep. One year on, and I’m different. I’ve let go of the superfluous, and gave my body a chance to feel.
As I start this new chapter in life in the US, I hopefully can help my dad through his greatest challenge to date: dementia and blindness. Many of you can relate, and are ahead of me in the slow losses our parents experience. Without this year to decompress, I wouldn’t have the energy to pack up and head to more helping. Maybe that’s the ultimate woman’s lesson; how to know when to say no. No matter the cost, to just pull the plug and take care of yourself, only to put it back in the outlet and get on a plane.
If you have any advice in caring for aging parents, I’d love to hear it in the comment section.
I’m so sorry to hear about your father’s declining health. As adult children we face these challenges as our parents age. I moved into my mom’s home in March this year after she suffered a heart attack and spent 2 weeks in the hospital. After being totally independent before the heart attack, she came home under hospice care. My brother and I spent 24/7 taking care of her. She was bedridden and unable to do even the most basic things for herself. We saw her getting stronger, to the point she was able to get up and walk cautiously to the bathroom. She even made it into the kitchen to make tea a few mornings. Then came a bad setback after an allergic reaction to a new medication. She lost all strength she had gained. We sat at her bedside and encouraged her, fed her, loved her. I slept for 2 months on a couch next to her hospice bed. Then one morning she didn’t wake up. Exactly 2 months after she came home from the hospital, she passed away in her sleep. It was devastating. The blessing in this was that she passed peacefully in her sleep. She had been afraid of how it might happen. My brother and I sat with her for a couple hours before we called hospice to tell them she had passed. We sat in silence stunned by our loss. We certainly knew it was possible she would not make it, but the reality is something different. I can tell you that as hard as it was, I wouldn’t change anything about those last couple of months, short of her getting her strength back. I did everything I could to make her comfortable and pain free. I doted on her, I told her how much I loved her every chance I got. We talked about the unconditional love she gave us throughout our lives. We talked about cherished memories and about our father who passed from cancer 13 years earlier. About the loss of her son, my older brother 10 years prior. I told her if this was her time, they would be there for her. She was a faith driven person and her reward for a well lived life was waiting. We laughed and cried together.
I was there for my fathers passing as well. We had hospice care for him and I moved in with my mom to help her care for him. He was in the exact same place my mom was when she passed. In the main room of the house with a beautiful view, surrounded by family. Now I prepare for her service this Saturday. Everything about all this has been a labor of love. I live comforted by the knowledge I did everything I could for both of my parents.
As you prepare for a new phase of your life, I send out love and positivity that you will also be comforted by your efforts to be there for your father and stepmother. It’s a beautiful thing that you set out to do. Pull from the past year of renewal when things feel overwhelming. Take what time you can for yourself during stressful times. I understand your apprehension, but you will be grateful for this time with your family.
SO true! Many blessings to you, Annette.
Thank you so much for sharing, Annette! Our parents have done so much for us that helping them pass is unconditionally important. However, what that looks like for each human is different, and how each family reacts is also different. In any case, I’m glad to be here and hopefully will be a support for dad and mom. I send love for you and your family this Saturday:) Suzanne